`one true |ove once..deep enough for one to forget everything but the |ove they shared..

Monday, May 11, 2009

the last.. ...

sinking deeper and deeper.. he wonders.. why still keep them? if it will only remind euu of the past, why not eradicate them but still keep them? every single one of them.. from the very firsts.. whats the point anymore? all that he thinks and feels is redundant.. he cant find enough reason to continue.. its harder to push these doubts away.. would the day even come? and even if it does, to what purpose that all he does now even serve? he is doubtful of what he does.. someone, something.. anyone, anything, give him the courage to continue.. the reason to continue.. its futile.. each time he wrote and described about the pain he feels, it almost seems repetitive.. so whats the point? it was set up so that she would know.. all that he does each day.. that he is regretful and not leading the single happy life he was afraid she would think.. but it has been so long.. so much has changed for her.. and he is glad to know she has moved on.. still, the question ponders.. the same 7 words that he had read before.. why it had been added.. but he decides to give it up.. maybe it was just at that point of time.. and not reali always like what the words meant.. its been almost 9 months.. he does not know if she even still reads the blog.. and if she doesnt, everything here is meaningless.. and thinking now, she probably doesnt.. she has no reason to.. even in the first place.. she has moved out of his reach so very long ago.. and he had only come to accept it so very recently.. he shall finish the book.. even if it seems so hard to even write in it now.. maybe he will stop for a while.. gather up his thoughts.. but he will finish it.. and what then? when it finally is finished, what then? he will decide then.. everything shall be written in the book.. and no more for this blog.. he will cut himself away.. so that even if by chance she stumbled onto this blog again, she will not know.. she will only know her new life.. it will be like he has gone.. and only those who had seen him will know.. she will not be reminded.. dammit.. dammit.. dammit..

why the words if it has come to become like this? why still keep them? delete them.. delete everything that reminds anything.. let me become a fleeting memory that gets harder and harder to remember.. ... ...

5:21 PM

and he waits..

shes completely gone..

torn between emotions.. of course, there is the little selfish part of his heart.. wishing everything was the opposite that it is now.. but all in all, he is a kind of peace he could not describe.. everything is well again.. for her.. and that is enough for him.. is it not? what he always had prayed for, wished for.. this is truly enough.. to love is to find pleasure in the happiness of the person loved.. whatever he thought of before, whatever he felt and written down, does not matter anymore.. how he shall proceed, he is unsure.. booking in tonight.. just follow the flow.. everything will come clear and he will eventually understand.. on a totally random note, angels and demons.. a highly recommended read.. and he is hoping he will find enough time to start and finish the ambigrams for her..

to see euu happy again is all i could wish for.. though it feels bitter and painful inside, there is nothing more i could do or ask for.. stay this way.. im sure euu will.. maybe its the time.. so many words unsaid.. so many more unable to say anymore.. it just wont come.. it feels..different.. like i used to know euu before and now, its hard to connect.. like memories being slowly flushed away no matter how i tried to hold on and euu becoming more and more distant.. please dun let this happen to me.. it is all i have left.. nothing else.. nothing else..

10:14 AM

and he waits..

Sunday, May 10, 2009

suns of the beach-rejuvenating life..

suns of the beach.. seems that its the only place with people he could reali be happy with.. with happiness near that of what he used to have.. to be doing what he liked and hang out with people who are fun and nice.. hais.. its all getting confusing and such..

i wont forget the way you're kissing,
the feeling so strong, were so lasting for so long..
but im not the man, yr heart is missing..
thats why you go away, i know..

10:20 PM

and he waits..

Friday, May 8, 2009

all traces been erased.. hopefully it did not cause any trouble.. he doesnt know why he does it.. or how he is able to.. but in the end, he still did it.. not to act all noble and self sacrificing since it was his fault to begin with.. but just so that she would truly be happy from now on..

as much as he would like to talk about field camp and such, he could not.. was taken out of training.. next monday specialist appointment.. since it has come to this, hopefully he will be categorised under combat unfit.. if not, worse come to worse, just repeat the 9 weeks of shit.. it holds no meaning.. he has no motivation.. ....

it would all be better if he had not been there at all from the very beginning.. and she would never had become what she is and gone through what she went through.. sa rang hae..

11:06 PM

and he waits..

Friday, May 1, 2009

i miss you..

from the book:

its been a while, since i last saw yr smile..
the smile i see in the photos is real,
but to satisfy the longing, it still failed..
the hurt i caused in euu runs deep,
and regret from all my wrongs hung heavy..
blood from a broken heart still seep,
for i miss you so much, baby..
now i have no one by my side,
for i foolishly let go the only one who could be my bride..
no matter how painful in the future it will be,
there is no other girl that i will see..
one true love experienced once,
waiting for 071114 for my last chance..
one true love with memories that transcends time,
remaining always, long after i finish this rhyme..

dear god, i want her to be happy.. no matter what that means.. and that she will find someone who will see her always, like i do now.. god bless her.. amen..

4:59 PM

and he waits..

Thursday, April 30, 2009

drowning.. ...

booked out yesterday.. on the way to pasir ris, all his army mates all looked so happy.. booking out for the first time.. all with plans to go clubbing, go watch movies.. others plan on staying home and sleep, eating fast food.. so much that he hears.. so little then went into his mind.. somehow, booking out doesnt seem that much of a big deal to him.. when he reached pasir ris, as all the other people jumped off the buses and ran off to their parents, take cabs or friends, he just quickly made his way to his dad and took a cab home.. thoughts of buying mac and eating was quickly flushed away as he alighted the bus.. what he felt was similar to that on the first day he booked in.. as he saw some people walking over to their other half and some other girls waiting and craning their necks, somehow, a wave of nostalgia swept him over.. he hurried his footsteps and hoped to get out of there soon..

all that he does now, is there still a point? isnt it all meaningless now? many a times he wondered.. many a times, doubts surfaced.. but each time, he pushed them away.. but each time as doubts resurface, it gets harder and harder to push them away.. all that he sees, stays in his mind.. clinging together with all the other stuff as doubts surface each time.. its pulling him down.. its harder to breath.. but all the same, as much as it hurts, a part of him is glad too.. that she is reali happy.. sa rang hae..

another note: thanks to zihui and lihui for the card! sorry for not going that sunday and spoiling all that you all had prepared.. happy belated birthday to zihui! see you all on saturday then eh?

its just emotions taking me over..
caught up in sorrow, lost in the soul..

11:46 AM

and he waits..

Monday, April 13, 2009

我下辈子要做你的男人..

还记得最初的吻, 你微带羞涩的眼神.
我不该恋上你的唇, 让夜的思念不安分.
爱越深我的心就越疼, 我知道你是最在乎我的人.
心痛的感觉也变得如此认真, 给不了幸福的完整.
还记得傍晚的风, 你略带懵懂的温存.
我以为欲望在延伸, 让夜的气息更动人.
爱越深结局越不可能, 我知道你是我最在乎的人.
快乐的时光也带着满身伤痕, 掩饰了脆弱的灵魂.

我下辈子要做你的男人, 老天会不会陪着我等?
就算让我今生用全部的伤痕也要换你来世的温存.
我下辈子要做你的男人, 整夜守候佛前那一盏灯.
泪流成河只为未尽的缘分.

还记得傍晚的风, 你略带懵懂的温存.
我以为欲望在延伸, 让夜的气息更动人.
爱越深结局越不可能, 我知道你是我最在乎的人.
快乐的时光也带着满身伤痕, 掩饰了脆弱的灵魂.

我下辈子要做你的男人, 老天会不会陪着我等?
就算让我今生用全部的伤痕, 也要换你来世的温存.
我下辈子要做你的男人, 整夜守候佛前那一盏灯.
泪流成河只为未尽的缘分.

我下辈子要做你的男人, 你是否也会在那里等?
老天为何对我是如此的残忍, 虽然相爱却让缘分擦身.
我下辈子要做你的男人, 整夜守候佛前那一盏灯.
用一世乾坤, 等待下辈子你的吻.
在天堂的门, 等待来世你的吻.

so do euu have everything or nothing now?

8:46 PM

and he waits..

i love you.. always have.. always will..

last day in civilisation.. then he'll be kept in for three weeks till labour day.. hmms.. did pretty much nothing the whole day.. thought about some stuff.. slept.. thought about some stuff again.. seems like so much so much to think about.. nope.. nothing about army stuff.. its just.. so hard to put in words.. "time will heal everything".. he had heard that many times before.. does it even really help? so much to say yet unable to string them together.. so much overwhelming him yet unable to vent them anywhere or just tell it to someone.. its more of a torture trapped like that then being confined for three weeks.. dammit..

many a times he wondered.. is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time? is it? its all so confusing and he could hardly make sense of it all.. and not making sense of all these, he doesnt know the way forward.. thinking about it all day but still, he came to no conclusion.. ever since he read those seven words out the many others, he had been filled with a hope.. maybe just a little one.. the tiniest of it all.. that someday, he might have the chance again.. but then again, maybe those seven words were just a more than nice ending to the whole paragraph.. and maybe he had just thought too much of it because he wanted the words to mean what he wanted them to mean.. because its impossible to be in love with two people at the same time, isnt it? then why the words behind? maybe he should just forget bout the words.. yes.. he will just wait.. and he will work hard to change back to his old self.. tomorrow will be a good start.. enlistment.. sleeping early and waking up early.. being thrifty.. since he only has two days out every week when he books out.. time to save and not be materialistic.. no gambling, smoking or drinking.. he dont drink or smoke anyway.. so no gambling then.. no more mahjong.. and with all these, he will continue to wait..

*if someone prays for patience, does God gives them patience? or the opportunity to be patient? if someone prays for courage, God gives them courage? or the opportunities to be courageous? if one prays for the happiness of another, then what? then what?

i love you.. always have.. always will..

5:33 PM

and he waits..

Sunday, April 12, 2009

:'(

it hurts like never before.. ...

11:17 PM

and he waits..

原谅我冷漠, 选择不联络, 因为我担心你会听见我还那么难过.

我还爱着一个人,
但愿回到美好的从前.
也许痛的感觉,
证明了爱的深浅.
不然为什么我还不撤退.

记得爱所有幸福的片段,
所以才一直忘记要离开.
伸出手继续勇敢付出我的爱,
原地不动的等待, 就算风把我的头发吹乱.
记得爱是我给过的答案,
就不再考虑应该不应该.
一滴泪落进无边无际的大海,
就算我们都活得没有遗憾.

原谅我冷漠, 选择不联络, 因为我担心你会听见我还那么难过.

10:27 PM

and he waits..