one true |ove once..

the last.. ...

2009-05-11T17:21:00.002+08:00

sinking deeper and deeper.. he wonders.. why still keep them? if it will only remind euu of the past, why not eradicate them but still keep them? every single one of them.. from the very firsts.. whats the point anymore? all that he thinks and feels is redundant.. he cant find enough reason to continue.. its harder to push these doubts away.. would the day even come? and even if it does, to what purpose that all he does now even serve? he is doubtful of what he does.. someone, something.. anyone, anything, give him the courage to continue.. the reason to continue.. its futile.. each time he wrote and described about the pain he feels, it almost seems repetitive.. so whats the point? it was set up so that she would know.. all that he does each day.. that he is regretful and not leading the single happy life he was afraid she would think.. but it has been so long.. so much has changed for her.. and he is glad to know she has moved on.. still, the question ponders.. the same 7 words that he had read before.. why it had been added.. but he decides to give it up.. maybe it was just at that point of time.. and not reali always like what the words meant.. its been almost 9 months.. he does not know if she even still reads the blog.. and if she doesnt, everything here is meaningless.. and thinking now, she probably doesnt.. she has no reason to.. even in the first place.. she has moved out of his reach so very long ago.. and he had only come to accept it so very recently.. he shall finish the book.. even if it seems so hard to even write in it now.. maybe he will stop for a while.. gather up his thoughts.. but he will finish it.. and what then? when it finally is finished, what then? he will decide then.. everything shall be written in the book.. and no more for this blog.. he will cut himself away.. so that even if by chance she stumbled onto this blog again, she will not know.. she will only know her new life.. it will be like he has gone.. and only those who had seen him will know.. she will not be reminded.. dammit.. dammit.. dammit..

why the words if it has come to become like this? why still keep them? delete them.. delete everything that reminds anything.. let me become a fleeting memory that gets harder and harder to remember.. ... ...

shes completely gone..

2009-05-11T10:14:00.002+08:00

torn between emotions.. of course, there is the little selfish part of his heart.. wishing everything was the opposite that it is now.. but all in all, he is a kind of peace he could not describe.. everything is well again.. for her.. and that is enough for him.. is it not? what he always had prayed for, wished for.. this is truly enough.. to love is to find pleasure in the happiness of the person loved.. whatever he thought of before, whatever he felt and written down, does not matter anymore.. how he shall proceed, he is unsure.. booking in tonight.. just follow the flow.. everything will come clear and he will eventually understand.. on a totally random note, angels and demons.. a highly recommended read.. and he is hoping he will find enough time to start and finish the ambigrams for her..

to see euu happy again is all i could wish for.. though it feels bitter and painful inside, there is nothing more i could do or ask for.. stay this way.. im sure euu will.. maybe its the time.. so many words unsaid.. so many more unable to say anymore.. it just wont come.. it feels..different.. like i used to know euu before and now, its hard to connect.. like memories being slowly flushed away no matter how i tried to hold on and euu becoming more and more distant.. please dun let this happen to me.. it is all i have left.. nothing else.. nothing else..

suns of the beach-rejuvenating life..

2009-05-10T22:20:00.005+08:00

suns of the beach.. seems that its the only place with people he could reali be happy with.. with happiness near that of what he used to have.. to be doing what he liked and hang out with people who are fun and nice.. hais.. its all getting confusing and such..

i wont forget the way you're kissing,
the feeling so strong, were so lasting for so long..
but im not the man, yr heart is missing..
thats why you go away, i know..

-

2009-05-08T23:06:00.002+08:00

all traces been erased.. hopefully it did not cause any trouble.. he doesnt know why he does it.. or how he is able to.. but in the end, he still did it.. not to act all noble and self sacrificing since it was his fault to begin with.. but just so that she would truly be happy from now on..

as much as he would like to talk about field camp and such, he could not.. was taken out of training.. next monday specialist appointment.. since it has come to this, hopefully he will be categorised under combat unfit.. if not, worse come to worse, just repeat the 9 weeks of shit.. it holds no meaning.. he has no motivation.. ....

it would all be better if he had not been there at all from the very beginning.. and she would never had become what she is and gone through what she went through.. sa rang hae..

i miss you..

2009-05-01T16:59:00.002+08:00

from the book:

its been a while, since i last saw yr smile..
the smile i see in the photos is real,
but to satisfy the longing, it still failed..
the hurt i caused in euu runs deep,
and regret from all my wrongs hung heavy..
blood from a broken heart still seep,
for i miss you so much, baby..
now i have no one by my side,
for i foolishly let go the only one who could be my bride..
no matter how painful in the future it will be,
there is no other girl that i will see..
one true love experienced once,
waiting for 071114 for my last chance..
one true love with memories that transcends time,
remaining always, long after i finish this rhyme..

dear god, i want her to be happy.. no matter what that means.. and that she will find someone who will see her always, like i do now.. god bless her.. amen..

drowning.. ...

2009-04-30T11:46:00.002+08:00

booked out yesterday.. on the way to pasir ris, all his army mates all looked so happy.. booking out for the first time.. all with plans to go clubbing, go watch movies.. others plan on staying home and sleep, eating fast food.. so much that he hears.. so little then went into his mind.. somehow, booking out doesnt seem that much of a big deal to him.. when he reached pasir ris, as all the other people jumped off the buses and ran off to their parents, take cabs or friends, he just quickly made his way to his dad and took a cab home.. thoughts of buying mac and eating was quickly flushed away as he alighted the bus.. what he felt was similar to that on the first day he booked in.. as he saw some people walking over to their other half and some other girls waiting and craning their necks, somehow, a wave of nostalgia swept him over.. he hurried his footsteps and hoped to get out of there soon..

all that he does now, is there still a point? isnt it all meaningless now? many a times he wondered.. many a times, doubts surfaced.. but each time, he pushed them away.. but each time as doubts resurface, it gets harder and harder to push them away.. all that he sees, stays in his mind.. clinging together with all the other stuff as doubts surface each time.. its pulling him down.. its harder to breath.. but all the same, as much as it hurts, a part of him is glad too.. that she is reali happy.. sa rang hae..

another note: thanks to zihui and lihui for the card! sorry for not going that sunday and spoiling all that you all had prepared.. happy belated birthday to zihui! see you all on saturday then eh?

its just emotions taking me over..
caught up in sorrow, lost in the soul..

我下辈子要做你的男人..

2009-04-13T20:46:00.004+08:00

还记得最初的吻, 你微带羞涩的眼神.
我不该恋上你的唇, 让夜的思念不安分.
爱越深我的心就越疼, 我知道你是最在乎我的人.
心痛的感觉也变得如此认真, 给不了幸福的完整.
还记得傍晚的风, 你略带懵懂的温存.
我以为欲望在延伸, 让夜的气息更动人.
爱越深结局越不可能, 我知道你是我最在乎的人.
快乐的时光也带着满身伤痕, 掩饰了脆弱的灵魂.

我下辈子要做你的男人, 老天会不会陪着我等?
就算让我今生用全部的伤痕也要换你来世的温存.
我下辈子要做你的男人, 整夜守候佛前那一盏灯.
泪流成河只为未尽的缘分.

还记得傍晚的风, 你略带懵懂的温存.
我以为欲望在延伸, 让夜的气息更动人.
爱越深结局越不可能, 我知道你是我最在乎的人.
快乐的时光也带着满身伤痕, 掩饰了脆弱的灵魂.

我下辈子要做你的男人, 老天会不会陪着我等?
就算让我今生用全部的伤痕, 也要换你来世的温存.
我下辈子要做你的男人, 整夜守候佛前那一盏灯.
泪流成河只为未尽的缘分.

我下辈子要做你的男人, 你是否也会在那里等?
老天为何对我是如此的残忍, 虽然相爱却让缘分擦身.
我下辈子要做你的男人, 整夜守候佛前那一盏灯.
用一世乾坤, 等待下辈子你的吻.
在天堂的门, 等待来世你的吻.

so do euu have everything or nothing now?

i love you.. always have.. always will..

2009-04-13T17:33:00.002+08:00

last day in civilisation.. then he'll be kept in for three weeks till labour day.. hmms.. did pretty much nothing the whole day.. thought about some stuff.. slept.. thought about some stuff again.. seems like so much so much to think about.. nope.. nothing about army stuff.. its just.. so hard to put in words.. "time will heal everything".. he had heard that many times before.. does it even really help? so much to say yet unable to string them together.. so much overwhelming him yet unable to vent them anywhere or just tell it to someone.. its more of a torture trapped like that then being confined for three weeks.. dammit..

many a times he wondered.. is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time? is it? its all so confusing and he could hardly make sense of it all.. and not making sense of all these, he doesnt know the way forward.. thinking about it all day but still, he came to no conclusion.. ever since he read those seven words out the many others, he had been filled with a hope.. maybe just a little one.. the tiniest of it all.. that someday, he might have the chance again.. but then again, maybe those seven words were just a more than nice ending to the whole paragraph.. and maybe he had just thought too much of it because he wanted the words to mean what he wanted them to mean.. because its impossible to be in love with two people at the same time, isnt it? then why the words behind? maybe he should just forget bout the words.. yes.. he will just wait.. and he will work hard to change back to his old self.. tomorrow will be a good start.. enlistment.. sleeping early and waking up early.. being thrifty.. since he only has two days out every week when he books out.. time to save and not be materialistic.. no gambling, smoking or drinking.. he dont drink or smoke anyway.. so no gambling then.. no more mahjong.. and with all these, he will continue to wait..

*if someone prays for patience, does God gives them patience? or the opportunity to be patient? if someone prays for courage, God gives them courage? or the opportunities to be courageous? if one prays for the happiness of another, then what? then what?

i love you.. always have.. always will..

:'(

2009-04-12T23:17:00.000+08:00

it hurts like never before.. ...

原谅我冷漠, 选择不联络, 因为我担心你会听见我还那么难过.

2009-04-12T22:27:00.001+08:00

我还爱着一个人,
但愿回到美好的从前.
也许痛的感觉,
证明了爱的深浅.
不然为什么我还不撤退.

记得爱所有幸福的片段,
所以才一直忘记要离开.
伸出手继续勇敢付出我的爱,
原地不动的等待, 就算风把我的头发吹乱.
记得爱是我给过的答案,
就不再考虑应该不应该.
一滴泪落进无边无际的大海,
就算我们都活得没有遗憾.

原谅我冷漠, 选择不联络, 因为我担心你会听见我还那么难过.

thanks!

2009-04-10T22:15:00.004+08:00

thanks to yuxin, gwen, yijie, weiren, melvin, nigel, michelle, jeff and his girlfriend, kenny, haoguang, siewyuen, zoe and wensheng for the present and the dessert today.. =) thanks guys so much.. ^^ super tiring day.. off to sleep le.. zZzz..

how i wish euu were there too.. or perhaps, just euu alone.. sa rang hae.. takkaire lots..

=)

2009-04-09T07:24:00.000+08:00

thanks jiajia for the present! =)

.

2009-04-08T16:50:00.000+08:00

where are you? where are you??

-

2009-04-07T22:19:00.000+08:00

若不是不忍心看你两难中煎熬,
不然我决不肯这样眼睁睁看你重回他怀抱.

我会等待

2009-04-07T09:29:00.002+08:00

happy special day.. its the 7th once again.. and he always wonders, how it used to come so slowly when he looks forward to it with dates or surprises and now, it always comes so fast.. its been more than half a year.. close to 8 months.. some may say 8 months is hardly close to waiting as compared to others who have waited much longer.. true.. but nevertheless, its still is difficult 8 months to pass..

last night, he lied in bed.. at 12, its the 7th of april.. and he thought.. of the things he may be doing at that moment if he was still in her life.. why is he not doing them then? what is he waiting for? these questions seemed to be thrown at him as he lied in bed.. by someone invisible in his mind.. the answer was simple enough.. and with reason unknown to him, his tears fall again.. like they always do on this day.. and he feels so much like a kid.. a small child.. needing someone to guide him along.. someone he could tell everything bottled up in him to.. then he realised, he was very alone in this world.. many friends, yes he has.. a close one? not one.. he has been through this before.. maybe its not that he doesnt have any close friends.. maybe he just wasnt willing enough.. willing to open his heart out.. and now, he is alone.. very alone.. with everything that has been unsaid, everything that has been regretted, and so much so much more things to say and do, its all mounting higher and higher in him and he fears someday he might not be able to take it all.. and all these from the chances that he did not grab.. from the hurtful wrongs that he had done.. from his heart that did not cherish till it was so very late..

happy special day to euu once again.. if it still is one, that is.. take care alright? sa rang hae..

我需要你的爱
不管多少阻碍不求什么未来
不管命运会怎么安排
我会用眼泪洗去所有的不堪
狠狠地把心痛了断
深深地把一切重来

我需要你的爱
像掉进了深海也像坠落悬崖
找不到地方可以逃开
别让那些谎言把爱给活埋
当心碎成一块一块
当爱碎成一断一断
我会等待.

his old self..

2009-04-06T23:48:00.002+08:00

somehow, somehow.. he could just sense that slightest bit of something.. he doesnt know where to go from now.. he doesnt know what to do.. listening to what others have.. listening to what others are going through.. it makes him regret so much.. all that he could have too.. or maybe much more.. regret not because he couldnt have what others have.. but regret because he had let it all go and hurt her so deeply.. and now, it all seems impossible ever again.. what he wants now.. all that he really wants now, is to work hard to be himself once again.. his old self all over again.. before he did all those wrong things.. and while doing that, he will wait.. and when he is sure he is his old self once again, he will still wait.. and that is all he could do.. and hope.. and wish that someday, it would all come back to him for another chance.. but now.. now, he doesnt hold any hope anymore.. not like he used to hold before today.. he doesnt cling on to that slight and almost non-existent hope.. he will be himself again and just wait.. if there ever is a chance, he would grab it at the first opportunity.. if not, at least he is his old self again with his good habits which he would work hard to get back.. and from there, he would at the very least have loved deeply once.. and the memories will take him through his life..

好想你..

2009-04-05T00:23:00.003+08:00

我想要学会自我催眠,
痛觉会少一些,
潜意识作祟想着想到失眠.
我躺在没有你的房间,
寂寞更加明显,
我渐渐的自我催眠,
却回不到从前.

我知道你和你的男孩有多么的甜蜜,
所以我才静静守着你.
每一次看他轻轻拉着你手我眼泪不停地流.
我只好默默退后我什么都没说,
静静忍着痛.

dammit..

2009-04-01T21:53:00.002+08:00

it is 1am in the morning last night.. and despite being tired and sick with a headache, he could not fall asleep.. one little part of him is waiting.. waiting for what? he feels so much like a kid all over again.. dammit.. and waiting and waiting.. even though he knows it will never come.. he could laugh at himself all day for his stupid thinkings and naive longings.. dammit.. he needs out..

ahhhhhhhh chooooooooooo..

2009-03-31T23:50:00.002+08:00

how ironic it is.. for him to talk bout taking care and not falling scik just yesterday and to fall sick himself today when he woke up.. the air felt chilly and he felt warm.. or maybe its just hes warm tts why the air felt chilly or maybe just that the air felt chilly tts why he felt warm.. either way, its a slight fever and flu.. dammit.. its been a long time since he fell sick.. and now, falling sick, it seems almost so hard to bear after not falling sick for so long.. and furthermore, its the first time hes sick since hes alone.. it just feels so different.. one could say its almost unbearable.. not the sickness.. just something else altogether.. and this random thought just popped up in his mind while he was sneezing the whole day off.. but he shall not dwell on wishful thinkings and absurd longings.. ahhhh chooo... dammit.. hais..

2009-03-29T10:49:00.001+08:00

dammit.. fish..

let this song cry

2009-03-27T00:21:00.002+08:00

Seven nights going around in circles.
Seven days all feel the same.

My tears won't fall anymore,
they're dried up,
gonna lets this song cry, I'm gonna let this song cry.
My heart's emptied out on the floor,
I give up,
gonna let this song cry, I'm gonna let this song cry.
Cry (cry), cry (cry), cry (cry), cry,
I'm gonna let this song cry, I'm gonna let this song cry.

Try to scream,
but no sound is coming out.
It's only sunken sadness, mutant madness.
Eye's are dry as a bone,
although i'm welling over with emotion, soul is broken.

Every night's going round in circles,
every day still feels the same.

My tears won't fall anymore,
they're dried up,
gonna lets this song cry, I'm gonna let this song cry.
My heart's emptied out on the floor,
I give up,
gonna let this song cry, I'm gonna let this song cry.
Cry (cry), cry (cry), cry (cry), cry,
I'm gonna let this song cry, I'm gonna let this song cry.

Gonna let the melody weep for me.
Gonna find some healing in the harmony.
Each and every chord, and every word, and every rhyme will be my voice.
Cause right now i've got no choice.

-

2009-03-24T23:07:00.002+08:00

though occasional, or maybe less than occasional, its still really nice.. and he really treasures every bit of it.. someday, the wait will be worth it.. and all that he does now will show that he really regrets it.. on that far away someday..

its over..

2009-03-23T22:58:00.002+08:00

the ten days are finally over.. though it doesnt make any difference at all, it just makes him feel otherwise and its easier for each day to pass.. still waiting.. still here.. still loving.. always have.. always will..

untitled..

2009-03-17T11:31:00.002+08:00

it hurts.. because he is not part of her.. not part of her happiness.. but isnt this what he had been praying for every night? that she is well and happy? at least she is well and happy.. and that is enough for him.. but still, sometimes he wonders.. if that really is enough for him.. just be happy alright? take care.. sa rang hae..

this one..

2009-03-16T19:41:00.003+08:00

how could i ever love another?
how could you say you dont remember?
god knows i'd give anything for just one more night together.
today i miss you more than ever.
how could you say you dont remember?
this one's for the happiness i'll be wishing you forever.

you got me crying like a child..

road to insanity..

2009-03-15T12:00:00.003+08:00

wishful thinkings in the day.. faraway dreams in the night.. both echoing the same longing, never to be satisfied.. you are so going crazy, zhengrui..

and all these tears are pouring, it floods my eyes..

-

2009-03-13T18:07:00.004+08:00

woke up from a bad dream.. its always like this all over again.. when he sees her photo, he has the urge to call her.. when he sees her, he has to stop himself from holding her once again like he does before.. its so hard.. and it becomes unbeareable.. it piles up inside.. from there, as it gets more unbearable, it turns to frustration as he realises and knows that its all his own fault that it has become like this.. it all adds up.. it all piles up inside him.. how does he suppress all of it? its getting harder and harder to smile and laugh while crying inside.. dammit.. dammit.. dammit.. argh..

dammit..

2009-03-13T11:19:00.003+08:00

dammit.. its coming all over again.. it should have felt the same.. it has always been the same.. so why should this time be any different? maybe he is just thinking too much.. for it feels so different and it feels so hard to bear each day.. she gets further away.. or perhaps, she has always been far away since that day.. fish..

=)

2009-03-12T12:03:00.001+08:00

thank you so much.. its reali a lot a lot to me and it helps so much.. training later!

dont know how much he's gonna last..

2009-03-11T22:49:00.002+08:00

he thought it had been better.. for it had been so long.. but no.. its still there and it still stings and hurts.. how long more? how long more exactly? its hard.. harder.. dammit.. :'(

world builder_

2009-03-11T15:56:00.002+08:00

quite a sad, touching and interesting video he found today.. take a look and see what it brings all of you.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzFpg271sm8

pain..

2009-03-08T23:58:00.001+08:00

somehow, her absence seems amplified when he knows she's not in singapore.. it hurts.. the pain..

solace..

2009-03-08T00:29:00.002+08:00

training has been fun and good.. some little improvements though still lots of room for more.. beach volleyball is his solace.. and the outings after that helps drown out all other stuff that runs through his mind.. suns of the beach have been fun and cool.. and hes been reali happy being part of it.. tiring day though.. off to bed.. sentosa again tomorrow!

happy birthday to jiajia! enjoy yr trip in macau.. may all yr endeavours come true and remember to study hard!

and of course, a very happy special day! that is, if its still a special day to euu.. enjoy yr trip and take care too.. congrats on yr wonderful results.. takkaire lots and lastly, sa rang hae always.. <3

he wants..

2009-03-06T23:38:00.003+08:00

he wants...

to be the one to accompany her home today,
to be the first to know her results,
to send her off at the airport,
to see her once again,
to talk to her,
to hold her hand,
to be by her side,
to be missed by her,
to receive her messages,
to hug her,
to go to the movies with her,
to have dinner together,
to celebrate every special day,
to surprise her,
to lend his shoulder to lean on,
to look into her eyes,
to just look at her..

so much so much.. but no longer within reach.. is everything he have now all in exchange for not having her? then he would rather lose everything he have now.. beach volleyball is his sanity.. but with her back again, everything would be alright.. even the hardest problems can be solved, the toughest obstacles overcome.. but would he ever have the chance? its so much so much to bear.. and its so hard.. to laugh on the outside and cry on the inside everyday.. to see her and smile.. but bleed inside knowing she would never be his.. to be overwhelmed by the joy of seeing her and then drowned by the pain and regret after she disappears from his view.. its mounting higher and higher.. and its more and more painful each day and each time he sees her.. will it ever get any better? how long does he have to wait? but no matter how long, he will wait.. loves..

i miss you so much..

2009-03-06T19:03:00.003+08:00

results are out.. and he cant say he did not expect these results.. its nice to see her once again after so long.. and even though he has shitty results, the happy feeling inside of him still jumps and make his heart thumps faster.. but together with it, a sadness and a wave of unhappiness overwhelms him.. no.. its not the results.. somehow, he has gotten over the fact that his results suck even before he received the result slip.. its just another thing.. so hard to put into words yet so much to bear.. its all piling up inside him.. and he wonders if he will one day no longer be able to contain it.. maybe its just like jo said, volleyball is too, his sanity.. keeping his mind clear everytime he plays.. keeping every other thing down when he plays.. training tomorrow.. hopes he will feel better.. sa rang hae..

baby, you are..

2009-03-04T21:47:00.002+08:00

Baby, you are...

my sunny sky,
my favourite high,
my bed so warm,
my sweetest gift,
my emotional lift,
my best friend,
till the end,
my inspiration,
my destination,
my shining light,
my day and night,
my heart healer,
my anger chiller,
my pain reliever,
my spring fever,
my gem so rare,
my answered prayer,
my heart and soul,
my life made whole,
my merry-go-'round,
my "up" when i'm down,
my best chance,
my last dance,
my best shot,
my sweet kumquat,
my energizer,
my appetizer,
my morning sun,
my evening fun,
my dancing partner,
my heart's gardener,
my source of laughter,
my ever after,
my heaven sent,
for who i'm meant,
my burning fire,
my greatest desire,
my soul mate,
my sweet fate,
my dream lover,
my "before all others,"
my confidence,
my common sense,
my reason why,
until i die.

Just in case you don't know.
-David L. Weatherford

edit on 21st feb post

2009-03-04T21:45:00.001+08:00

forgot to add in fenghui and lihui on 21st feb post, first training.. sorry! editted.. ha..

its hard to think what to do..

2009-03-02T16:09:00.003+08:00

hes at the office now.. whiling his time away till 5.30 as usual.. didnt have the time to blog much recently.. what with reaching home late from trainings and tired nights.. but the fatigue and exhaustion is welcomed.. it makes each day pass more quickly and easily and he spends each day more fulfiling with work and trainings..

ever since he joined the beach team, he still has never found an answer to the question that had popped up even while he was still not on the team.. he is confused.. being part of the national team or something big had always been a dream for a bench player like him.. it would be awesome and such an honour if he could represent singapore in any competition overseas or against other teams out there.. now that he has a chance to be training with the better players, he wants to prove his worth.. to be able to be one of the elites that would excel in his sport.. to be able to play good enough to be looked up to by others like he does his seniors.. but to the question, he still have not found an answer.. though he knows it would be unlikely or even impossible.. he still thinks of these and he does not know what to do.. if he ever have the chance again, if the day comes, would he have to choose? would he be willing to give up beach volleyball if he really could only choose one? each choice he make would bring different types of happiness, but could he have both? he thinks not.. one can never have the best of both worlds.. and if it really comes down to choosing, would he be able to give up playing? it is hard.. it is difficult.. it is confusing..

like he said before, everything that happens whether its good or bad, happens for a reason.. one will someday know why it happens and what it will bring.. maybe right at that point of time, maybe later.. but somehow, one will finally know that everything has been mapped out and why everything goes that way.. losing her had been painful.. for he had not known how to cherish.. but he had learnt from that too, and understood much more about relationships than before.. it had been a painful few months.. yes.. it still hurts now.. from there, it had led to him getting into the beach team just last week.. and now, where will this lead him to? he does not know and he cant think of what he would do.. for now, he wants to focus on his trainings and improve as quickly as he can.. until he really needs to think about the question again, he will put it aside for the moment.. thats most of whats on his mind recently ba..

take lots of care.. please know that im loving euu always and missing euu more and more each day.. sleep early and drink lots of water.. sa rang hae.. <3

can we bring yesterday back around? not a day passes when i dont think about you..

-

2009-03-01T10:03:00.002+08:00

your heart is not living until it has experienced pain.. the pain of love breaks open the heart, even if its as hard as a rock.. -Hazrat Inayat Khan

>.< busy week..

2009-02-28T21:35:00.002+08:00

its been a busy week.. everything seems to pass so quickly.. and the trainings have been really great and fun.. theres still so much to improve on.. footwork, first ball and jumping.. work harder! train, train, train! and the people from the team have been absolutely fun and cool.. its so unlike indoor teams.. and there is so much more fun and laughter.. train up hard and hopefully he will get to go to asian games 2012 and 2014.. it'll be totally out of this world playing out there.. train!

first training..

2009-02-25T00:37:00.001+08:00

first training was great.. and fun.. though theres still many places he can improve on.. super tiring.. work tomorrow.. off to bed.. nites.. thursday come quickly..

The One

2009-02-23T19:20:00.006+08:00

its been a tiring day at work.. what with sleeping late last night.. hmms.. but the day passes much more quickly with something to look forward to the next day.. read an article in the newspaper today.. quite interesting and it got him thinking.. extracted from the newspaper Today:

"The One. The perfect life partner that you were fated to be with-a destiny long foretold that transcend time and space. As Valentine's Day recently reminded us, 'The One' is a concept that modern society has brought lock, stock and barrel into. Its perpetuated left, right and centre by movies, television shows and Cinderella stories. However, 'The One' is an old fashioned myth that should be put to bed. Because despite ostensibly partaking in The One-ism, the show, The Bachelor, seems to be saying something else altogether-albeit unintentionally.

Its this: if you can find love in a minuscule microcosm of society such as the one that comprises The Bachelor's harem, then evidently, there's no such thing as The One. Who you fall in love with depends on whether you and your paramour have geography and community in common. Thats why celebrities frequently marry other celebrities, for example. Did you think 'golden couples' like Brad and Angelina or Fann and Chris were made by happily-ever-after coincidence? There is no such thing as The One-just find someone you can get along with and you'll be fine.

The concept of 'The One' is a fragile illusion determined by deeply-ingrained social conventions."

hmms.. theres so many ways to look at this and as he worked today, he slowly thought through them.. just a bit of food for thought those who read this post.. training tomorrow! take care lots alright? sa rang hae.. <3

suns of the beach..

2009-02-23T00:23:00.002+08:00

today has been a great day.. training was superb and fun.. =) and he made several new friends-hong chuan, mark, bernard, josephine, michelle, zihui and angela.. all of whom he thought were cool and fun.. happy happy.. =) looking forward to tuesday's training.. its been a fun and tiring day and theres work tomorrow.. so off to bed! its a dream come true.. =D

MELVIN, THANKS LOTS!!

2009-02-21T21:55:00.001+08:00

THANKS MELVIN!!

yes! its like a dream come true.. hope everything will be well.. =))) happy happy.. =D

its still there..

2009-02-19T22:43:00.001+08:00

what's left is this illusion in my head that i can reach out to, that is keeping me company, that i hold to sleep every night..

>.<

2009-02-19T19:53:00.003+08:00

took leave for two days.. just didnt feel like going to work.. just this bugging feeling that wouldnt go away.. haish.. hopefully the long rest from work would be help.. and still, he hopes hes part of it..

beach volley..

2009-02-16T20:35:00.002+08:00

it has been a really shagged weekend.. sentosa on both days.. finally.. thanks to melvin, he finally got to play with beach volleyball national team.. though he was screwed and got a ball into the face, it was great to be playing with the top players who excelled in the sport.. keeping his fingers crossed that he would be able to attend the training tomorrow.. melvin please help!

happy valentine's day..

2009-02-13T22:34:00.003+08:00

went to submit timesheet for the second time.. after submitting, he went walking around town.. hoping he would meet her as she knock off after work too.. but it was not to be.. as he took the train home, he alighted at compass.. once again, hoping he would bump into her.. but again, he missed her.. how naive.. to think that he would meet her out of so many other people out there.. but nevertheless, he had always hoped..

as he walked down town, he saw so many things.. and each one of them pricked at his heart.. couples everywhere.. girls with bouquets of flowers.. or big teddies.. people selling flowers.. giving out free hugs.. and he feels so jealous of everyone of them.. he reaches home.. and in his room, he looks at the photos and the letters.. and he remembers the dates and every little thing that comes with it.. and though he wishes he would not tear, they just flowed and he had no control over them whatsoever..

happy valentine's day to euu.. takkaire lotsa.. and hope jiajia will like the flowers.. take lots of care.. remember to drink more water.. remember to sleep early.. and i mean drink LOTS LOTS LOTS more water and sleep LOADS LOADS LOADS earlier! sa rang hae.. once again, happy valentine's day..

missing euu as much.. maybe more.. hmm.. definitely more..

2009-02-11T23:36:00.002+08:00

once again, it overwhelms.. hmms.. 11 pull ups.. going for 12.. hopefully by next week.. and its about time to start running too.. first goal in bmt.. ippt gold.. hopefully ba.. take care alright? and remember to drink more water.. because i know euu have not been drinking enough! and sleep early k? sa rang hae..

if ever you're in my arms again..

2009-02-09T23:50:00.003+08:00

It all came so easy, all the loving you gave me,
the feelings we shared
And I still can remember, how your touch was so tender,
it told me you cared.

We had a once in a lifetime,
but I just couldn't see, until it was gone.
A second once in a lifetime, may be too much to ask,
But I swear from now on.

If ever you're in my arms again,
this time I'll love you much better.
If ever you're in my arms again,
this time I'll hold you forever.
This time will never end.

Now I'm seeing clearly how I still need you near me,
I still love you so.
There's something between us that won't ever leave us,
there's no letting go.

We had a once in a lifetime,
but I just didn't know it till my life fell apart.
A second once in a lifetime isn't too much to ask,
cause I swear from the heart.

If ever you're in my arms again,

this time I'll love you much better.

If ever you're in my arms again,
this time I'll hold you forever.
This time will never end.

The best of romances,
deserve second chances.
I'll get to you somehow,
cause I promise now.

想见不能见最痛..

2009-02-08T23:05:00.002+08:00

想念是会呼吸的痛
它活在我身上所有角落
哼你爱的歌会痛
看你的信会痛
连沉默也痛

遗憾是会呼吸的痛
它流在血液中来回滚动
后悔不贴心会痛
恨不懂你会痛
想见不能见最痛

one more try..

2009-02-08T21:03:00.003+08:00

today woke up at 10 plus and went down to woodlands to pass his cousin his gc for his cousin to sell.. hopefully he will get the money soon.. bought a white shorts for 40 bucks.. finally.. one that he really liked.. after meeting up with his cousin, they went to woodlands regional library to get a book that his cousin recommended.. as he walked around the library, a wave of nostalgia overcame him as he remembered stuff.. and he knew that was the very place.. and he hurried to get the book and ushered his cousin out of it immediately.. the curious incident of the dog in the night time.. a really entertaining read.. he had just finished it before dinner.. and from the book, he looked up wikipedia for a few facts.. and he learned a lot more today.. like The Monty Hall Problem, the Conway's Soldiers, Mersenne numbers and Mersenne Primes, Number Theory, Ulam Spiral and Fermat's Last Theorem.. though much of it he does not really understands, it really is interesting and he wishes he was studying again.. how ironic it is that when one is studying, one wishes one is not and vice versa..

he has checked it all out today.. and he doesnt know what to do.. should he or should he not? will he get anyone into trouble? will it bring a smile or will it stir up more trouble for everyone else? he is confused.. he shall think it through and decide by tomorrow.. hopefully, whatever he decides, it will be well..

It's been a long time since you left me.
I didn't mean to make you cry.
I didn't mean to disappoint you.
I didn't mean to tell you lies.
And after all that we have been through, won't you let me tell you why.

One more try,
I didn't know how much i loved you.
One more try,
let me put my arms around you.
Living all these lonely nights without you.
Oh baby, can't we give it one more try?

Its been a long time since i kissed you.
It always used to feel so good.
And if you knew how much i missed you, you'd forgive me if you could.
And now that we have found each other, can't we give it one more try?

One more try,
I didn't know how much i loved you.
One more try,
let me put my arms around you.
Living all these lonely nights without you.
Oh baby, can't we give it one more try?

And after all that we have been through, won't you let me tell you why.
And now that we have found each other, can't we give it one more try?

One more try,
I didn't know how much i loved you.
One more try,
let me put my arms around you.
Living all these lonely nights without you.
Oh baby, can't we give it one more try?

Oh girl you know i love you.
I just want you to know, my love will always treasure.
So please just don´t let me go.

destiny..

2009-02-08T00:14:00.002+08:00

happy special day.. once again, its the 7th.. but he was a tad too late to blog it on time... just reached home not long ago.. spent the first half of the day at nus for the nus three on three basketball competition.. didnt even get into quarters.. and he felt bad not being able to do enough to help the team.. hais.. as he took the bus out of nus, he wonders.. if he would be able to be part of the student body someday.. went to his cousin house after that to sleep and watch movie at night.. the curious case of benjamin button.. reali nice show..

"a girl is going out shopping.. when she went out, she forgot her coat and she went back up to take it.. when she entered her house.. the phone rang.. it was an old friend.. she picked it up and talked for a few minutes.. at this time, daisy was having her ballet practice session.. a taxi driver has just dropped off a customer.. after letting the customer off, he decided to get a cup of coffee at the nearby cafe.. and he did so.. the girl going shopping had finished talking on the phone with her friend and set off once again.. stepping out, she flagged a taxi but as she was still fumbling to lock the door, another man got into it.. the taxi driver, finishing his coffee, set off on his job again.. the girl seeing another taxi, flagged it again and the driver who had just finished his coffee picked her up.. daisy had just finished her ballet and was showering.. as the driver prepared to drive off, he stopped the taxi abruptly for a man had just appeared in front of the taxi.. the man had woken up five minutes late for work that day.. when the man passed, the driver continued on his way.. they arrived at a shop where the girl had to pick up a package.. the girl alighted and went into the shop while the driver waited outside.. the shopkeeper had forgotten to wrap up the package as she had a quarrel with her boyfriend the day before.. and she hurried to do so.. as daisy was preparing to leave the dance studio, her friend's shoelaces broke.. being the last to leave, daisy waited with her friend as she got a replacement shoelace from the studio.. the girl had received the package some time after and got back into the taxi.. once again, the taxi was stopped just before it started moving for a truck reversing to unload stuff.. when the truck had cleared the road, the taxi started off.. daisy's friend had just finish tying her shoelaces and both of them got up to leave the studio.. as daisy stepped out of the studio and into the road, the taxi driver was momentarily busy with something and knocked her down..

if only her friend's shoelaces have not broke.. if only the taxi was not stopped by the truck reversing at that time.. if only the shopkeeper had not quarrelled with her boyfriend and had remembered to prepare the package.. if only the man had not woken up five minutes later for his work.. if only the driver had not stopped for a cup of coffee.. if only the girl had not forgotten her coat, daisy would not have stepped out onto the road at that time when the taxi was passing by..'

this just shows how everything in life has been destined, doesnt it? or does it show how everything has its cause and effects? everything that happens will lead to another happening.. every decision made will have its consequences.. and it will all affect us in one way or another.. and maybe, also affect someone else's life somewhere out there.. just like missing a train or getting onto a train.. just that minute.. just that second later.. and everyone's lives changes.. then how do one know what decision to make? how do one know what step to take? its all so complicated.. or is it? maybe its just simple things but the things that we think through and the lives that we lead that complicates everything up.. its all fated to happen.. everything that happens to us whether its good or bad.. if its good, then we get to enjoy it at that moment.. if its bad, then somehow, someday, he feels that it we will all understand why it has to happen.. and we will all learn from it.. sa rang hae..

we are made to lose the people we love.. how else would we know how important they are to us?

and if loving you with all my heart is a crime, then im guilty..

2009-02-06T19:21:00.002+08:00

its been quite a while since he blogged properly.. hmms.. just gt his pay today.. bout 500 plus bucks.. finally.. the first hard-earned pay.. well, not exactly 'hard' earned but yea.. so tomorrow he is treating his cousin to movie and dinner after nus three on three basketball competition.. hopefully he will play well enough not to bring the team down or embarrass himself..

14th of feb draws nearer.. and he finds himself sub-consciously planning for the day.. planning for the day that would never belong to him.. but somehow, his mind still sees how he would spend it if he had the chance.. and a selfish part of his heart secretly hates the fact that it falls on a saturday.. no matter.. he has just a bit of an idea how to spend the first bit of his pay.. and he hopes it wont get anyone in trouble but instead, bring a smile to those he intend his gesture would.. take care lotsa.. <3

and if loving you with all my heart is a crime, then im guilty..

it hurts still.. as much.. maybe more..

2009-02-05T20:08:00.002+08:00

would it be just like what he saw? and like what he imagined? would the reactions be the same and the happiness be equalled? he wonders.. and as he wonders, the ache returns..

if you're not the one..

2009-02-04T23:23:00.002+08:00

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings,
but I know you are here with me now.
We'll make it through and I hope you are the one I share my life with.

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand.
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away but I know that this much is true.
We'll make it through and I hope you are the one I share my life with.
And I wish that you could be the one I die with.
And I'm praying you're the one I build my home with.
I hope I love you all my life.

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand.
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away.
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today.
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right,
and though I can't be with you tonight and know my heart is by your side.

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand.
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am.
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms?

its just emotions taking me over..

only in dreams..

2009-02-03T23:04:00.002+08:00

你的眼神充满美丽带走我的心跳.
你的温柔如此靠近带走我的心跳.
逆转时光到一开始能不能给一秒.
等着哪一天你也想起,
那悬在记忆中的美好.

i touch euu only in my dreams.. i kiss you only in my dreams.. i hold you only in my dreams.. all only in my dreams.. the pain mounts higher and higher.. but still i wait.. still i wait.. for that very day.. and it continues to eat me out from inside..

untitled..

2009-02-02T20:25:00.002+08:00

it just feels so uncanny to laugh when im bleeding so much inside.. i wanna be alone.. just alone.. away from every single one out there of whom im so deeply jealous of.. of their lives.. everyone.. and as the night becomes darker, the tears take me away..

...

2009-02-01T22:51:00.002+08:00

i miss you so much.. would there be a day when you might miss me and wish to be with me again?

how does he carry on?

2009-01-31T22:38:00.002+08:00

and he no longer has the strength to carry on.. what else can he do? he is so jealous of everyone out there.. and if what people around him says its true, he simply cant imagine it when he goes into ns.. its hard enough now.. take it all away.. or give it all back to him..

what he once thought was noisy music has become really good songs to listen to now.. every note a blast of pure emotion.. linkin park.. dont resent me.. keep me in your memory.. leave out all the rest.. leave out all the rest..

happy birthday, shuoshuo!

2009-01-29T21:15:00.003+08:00

happy birthday to shuoshuo! hmms.. 9 years old le.. if hes not wrong.. he thought of messaging her for her to pass the birthday greeting.. but since its inconvenient, he called himself to wish him happy birthday.. seems that it really has been a long time.. that he did not recognise him anymore.. maybe he had learned to recognise another voice.. but whatever the case might be, he was happy to hear his voice again.. and jiajia's too.. its like when he used to call and they would pick up the phone.. and for that few seconds on the phone, he felt really happy and light..

he doesnt know what to do now.. and again, that hope fills him once more even though he knows he is wishing for too much.. and he hates it.. for he knows it will not turn out like he thinks and he is just thinking annd wishing too much again.. but everytime as his thoughts turned in that direction, he couldnt help but smile sometimes as he thinks.. how wonderful everything will be.. again, all he hopes for now is that she is happy.. and that no matter what she decides, it will be one that will lead her to her happiness and that she will be happy with her decision always.. take care..

all i wanted was to be wanted.. and i wish i could go back and tell myself what i knew now..

a long way down..

2009-01-28T19:44:00.002+08:00

what he feels is not anger.. nor is it frustration at anyone.. if it had to be someone, it would just be at himself.. what he feels is plain freaking humiliation.. and the helplessness that he cant do anything about it.. but just take it as it comes.. dammit..

once again, he is being naive.. having childish thoughts and such.. that everything will be fine once again and he has just woken up from a bad nightmare.. but of course, it was not to be.. it never was from the very beginning.. seems like the the decision was already made.. and he had lost once again.. he despise himself for having those thoughts.. for thinking that he might have her again.. seems that he had underestimated the invisible thread between them.. maybe growing stronger all these while yet oblivious to him.. and again, he hates himself for thinking such thoughts.. that maybe it had all been to spite him at first before it all blossomed.. and though he hates to admit it, it had been something much more between them.. he loathes himself.. for always having such thinkings which in the end, makes everything much much harder all over again..

and as he takes the train home alone today, he sees many couples yet again.. holding hands.. guy's shoulders something for the girl to lean on after a hard day at work or just a tiring day at school.. guy overloaded with shopping bags of his girl from a shopping spree after work.. or just simply both looking into each others eyes.. and he turned away from all these.. at that moment, all of these seem to be mocking him rather than being a reminder of the love which he could not have.. and he shut his eyes to all these he sees, hoping the train would travel a little faster such that he could alight and run home..

he understands much more now.. than he thought he had.. it had been much more between them.. something which he had overlooked before.. and maybe, just maybe, it will slowly overshadow that between him and her.. there is nothing more he can do.. from what he gathered today, he is out.. and it had been a long fall down as he read.. for he had been climbing up full of hopes without himself even noticing.. that maybe, just maybe he will have her again.. but no.. and this fall, this long way down.. had hurt so much more than he had expected.. and maybe it really is fate.. that he had nothing much to do today for he hurried to the toilet before anyone else can see the tears filling to the brim and falling as he ran....

listen to my heart.. and hear its deepest yearnings..

loves..

2009-01-27T21:15:00.002+08:00

he hopes everything will be well for her.. take care.. sa rang hae..

please remember that i'll be waiting always for the day to enter yr life again.. no matter what happens before, no matter when.. when the day comes that yr willing to give me another chance and be part of yr life again, please tell me.. and i'll be there by yr side in an instant as fast as i can no matter what im doing, to once again embrace euu and never let euu go again.. i love you, girl.. take care.. and all this time waiting, i'll be missing euu always.. loves_

dream a little dream of me..

2009-01-26T21:36:00.005+08:00

sweet dreams till sunbeams find you..
sweet dreams that leave all your worries behind you..
but in your dreams whatever they be,
sweet dreams that leave all your worries behind you..

stars fading but i linger on, dear..
still craving your kiss..
im longing to linger till dawn, dear, just saying this,
dream a little dream of me..
dream a little dream of me..

leave out all the rest..

2009-01-25T23:17:00.007+08:00

its the new years eve today.. and he had reunion dinner at his grandma's house.. with all his cousins that he had not seen for ages.. all his small and young cousins.. and as he sat amongst them, he felt unexpectedly happy and light.. as if everything on his back has been lifted for the time when he was with them.. its true his cousins are all barely primary school kids.. and some even just in preschool.. and as he sat amongst them with all the outdated toys and away from technology, amidst the laughter from these little little children, he felt detached from the complexities of life.. how innocent these little kids are.. their life just revolves around play, sleep and eat.. and nothing too complex.. they smile at all those who smile at them.. they embrace those who give them sweets and are friendly and nice towards them.. its either bad guys or good guys.. you like them or you dont.. and he feels just so much better being with all his little cousins for a couple of hours playing toys with them and giving them piggybacks.. he feels like a small boy all over again and everything in life becomes as simple as theirs in that short couple of hours..
and after that time, its as if he had grown up all the way till the way he is now in mere seconds after leaving his cousins.. and everything overwhelms him once more.. and he is full of regrets and aches from missing her and wanting to see her yet once again.. take care.. i miss you.. the ache remains.. highlighting its presence more and more clearly as each day passes..

help me leave behind some reason to be missed.. dont resent me.. and when you're feeling empty, keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest.. leave out all the rest..

stay happy and beautiful..

2009-01-24T09:29:00.006+08:00

he could not get to sleep.. no matter how he tried.. for the tears would not stop falling.. as he cried his heart out in the silent night where everyone else had fallen asleep, his hand reached out for the photo just beside his bed where he could see her ever so clearly.. his hand brushed across the hard and cold surface of the photo.. and in his mind, the soft and warm cheeks would always only remain in his mind.. never to be felt again by his hand.. how does he control all his emotions that run so wildly? he does not wish to intrude her life.. but all is so hard.. so very hard.. he is torn between what his heart wants and what he knows he must not do.. and he feels as if he literally is torn in two.. the pain that enveloped him last night was unbearable.. and the tears that fall just would not stop..

he feels so lost.. what should he do? and as he cried, he thought through it.. one has to be lost in order to find what one really wants.. otherwise, anyone else would be able to find what may turn out to be his fate.. and he feels truly lost now.. but he is not sure about the path that he has chosen.. he knows himself.. that he would not be able to keep to this path.. he would surely stray from it at the slightest temptation.. for his actions are now fuelled by his overwhelming emotions that he lost control of them.. but this is the only correct path for him, isnt it? he knows not.. if there are other paths around it.. and what he could do now is to stick to his belief and hope he would not waver.. he should not bring anymore hurt to her.. he should not intrude her new life where she has been getting better and finding another source of happiness to shadow that pain that he had brought her..

why does he wait till now and then only to regret? he was stumped for an answer.. would he had cared for her if he had not liked her? he would.. for this, he had a straight answer.. he definitely would.. for he had also known that he had liked her for a very long time.. thats what he believed.. no matter what other people said.. he could see that it was always there.. him never having the chance but patiently bidding his time.. living his own life slowly but always not forgetting her.. one might ask, how can he be sure of what he thinks? he has been best friends with him before havent he? best of friends back in those young days.. and he knows him inside out.. not all of course.. but at least this side of him.. and from the first time he saw how he behaved and such when he was in her presence, he knew then.. he would have cared for her even if he did not turn up in her life.. but he just have to.. because he have been waiting all these time, havent he? he would have cared for her no matter what.. but in not cherishing her each time, he lost her to him.. no.. it would be wrong to say that.. what he lost was her faith and trust that she had placed in him for such a long time.. to put it in another way, he was sure the love is still there.. but she just no longer have the faith in him to trust him with her love once again.. and because he was so used to her gentle presence, it was only that when it was gone, did he start to miss it in his life.. and he knows this is his major flaw.. and the pain last night was just one of the many more nights to come.. his punishment for not treasuring her.. but he has learnt and understood.. from the last time he let it all go.. but now, it is all too late.. and what he learnt too late could not bring her back.. the understanding that came too late only brought him the regrets that he would always keep.. for hurting her beyond pain.. had he already been feeling what she felt? she must have went through so much.. and he knows she must have been through worse and the pain he feels now could never compare to what she felt for he had done too much wrong.. and though the pain grows even more unbearable each time, he embraces it as his punishment for he knows she has gone through much much more..

now, he really does not bank on anymore hope that he will have her again.. what he wants now is that she really be happy.. and that she does not drop anymore tears.. but that does not mean he shall give up waiting.. he will wait his life out.. and if there really is a chance to enter her life once again, he will jump at the first opportunity and never ever let it go anymore.. and he will always be waiting.. no matter when, no matter what had happened before, he will always be waiting for the first chance.. gomen nasai.. ai shitteru..

if you and i are a story that never gets told,
if you are a daydream i'll never get to hold,
at least you will know,you're beautiful..
when you find everything you looked for,
i hope your life leads you back to my door..
oh but if you dont, stay beautiful..

have you ever thought just maybe you belong with me?

2009-01-23T22:12:00.004+08:00

already the short-lived happiness has faded.. and he had hoped it would last through the day.. but its well gone now.. only to be replaced by the unsightly jealousy.. people might say he has no business being jealous.. but he cant control how he feel, can he? and from the jealousy, surfaced the frustration and the unspeakable sadness and regrets.. that he is unable to do anything.. and could only watch and imagine things that he so didnt want in his mind.. as he sees the different lives people are living, he feels alone.. and so deeply jealous.. of everyone.. of every single one out there.. everything that he reads, he already had plans forming in his mind.. plans that he cant carry out.. surprises that would never surprises anyone.. and from deep within his mind, he could only imagine the expressions and feelings of others.. with not the faintest idea of what would really happen and how they would really feel..

and the luxury of crying everything out which had not been granted to him for so long finally granted him some solace.. and the tears that so refused to fall whenever he wanted them to fell now.. as he thought of what he would do but could not do.. the pain that he had expected coming back stronger than ever had no doubt returned.. and it justs makes everything so much so much harder all over again.. all over again when he had chosen so willingly to fall into those sharp blades that would pierce his heart inside out.. for the short moment of relief, he would undo all that he had been trying all these while.. and fall back to square one.. trying to live with the pain.. except that each time he falls down yet again, the pain he lives with just deepens and each time he fell, it stabs ever deeper into him.. and why does he still so willingly impale himself upon these blades which he know will bring him more pain each time? which will make him fall back each time after he is relieved and experience his punishment almost immediately? because he has no control over his emotions.. the overwhelming desire is just too much that he cant control and resist it.. and at every little chance and opportunity, he would jump at it in a heartbeat.. it hurts so much.. it really does.. he wants her.. he needs her.. he wants to be right back in her life.. he wants so much.. but he is almost forever expelled.. and he only has his fruitless wait ahead of him as he lives his life with the pain that would never cease.. and the tears just keep falling and falling..

dreaming about the day when you wake up and find,
that what you're looking for, has been here the whole time..

if you could see that im the one who understands you,
been here all along, so why cant you see,
you belong with me..
standing by and waiting at your backdoor,
all this time, how could you not know, baby,
you belong with me.. you belong with me..

have you ever thought just maybe you belong with me?

it has to be fate..

2009-01-23T18:13:00.002+08:00

maybe it really is fate ba.. it has been a really long time.. and he realises that everything he does is a decision made by him.. not doing something is also making a decision.. and he decides.. if not doing something is also a decision, why not choose to do it instead and give it a try? but he knows too that some things he can never do..

he misses her so much.. it hurts everyday.. a little pricking here and there.. and everyday, it adds up more and more.. sometimes very much more.. and sometimes, just that constant little pain.. but never gone.. he misses her.. sometimes, he would forget.. but in forgetting, he would remember her again and the ache for her would return with a vengeance.. and this continues every single day.. every night, just before he is taken away, he does his prayers though he is not bound by any religion.. but still, he prays.. hoping that this little routine that he does everyday would help her in any little way that perhaps it could.. that would make her happy and let her find that someone of her life who would always see her as he does now..

he is relieved from all the pain for that short while and he is so very grateful for it.. he is contented though he craves and yearns for more but he knows he should not overstep the limits.. despite this, he still hopes and wishes that one day, that day would come.. and he will wait.. for that day to enter her life again and be the one to take care of her.. i miss you so much.. take care.. and remember to sleep early le k? sa rang hae..

but i miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain.. and thats the way i love you.. breaking down and coming undone, its a roller coaster kind of rush and i never knew i could feel that much.. and thats the way i loved you..

美

2009-01-22T21:41:00.007+08:00

我們愛戀你給了我最美
最美麗的沒人能給
愛戀是我的最初的完美
奢侈當了你的王子
該知道你要說說那些無所謂
不屬於我的最完美
後來我只承認認我不是王子
我卸下責任崩潰

沒想過要怪你真不舍得
那一些會不會實現的美
美梦醒来时发现我一个人
鼻子酸了泪不止
我并不是什么英俊的白马王子
也许不可以

但阳光月光一样照耀着

让你回到我身边.

超有气质的朋友--陈鑫琪

its been so fast.. and tomorrow is the day.. how naive for him to be thinking, to be hoping all these two weeks long that tomorrow would never ever come.. thinking back now, he is just a silly piece of shit.. he has lost and truly lost.. and when he will ever have her again, he never knows.. and even though he knows it very well that she is no longer his, he cant help but always feel hopeful everytime he sees something different.. but he dare not hope for much.. and quickly, pushes the thought away.. if only.. sa rang hae.. always have.. always will.. always..

i love you and thats all i really know..

fate..

2009-01-21T22:44:00.003+08:00

he should have thought twice before letting it all go.. but its all too late.. and he is always like that.. always losing her before realising he is wrong.. but if he knew it all along, he might not be him.. and he might not haved loved her.. maybe it really is all fate.. and now, he will wait.. for fate to bring him back into her life.. to give him another chance.. no matter how long he has to wait..

and heres to everything coming down to nothing.. heres to the silence that cuts me to the core..

-

2009-01-20T20:35:00.002+08:00

so this is how he is being punished.. when will it end? or is this never going to? take it away.. take it all away...

the pain.. it hurts..

2009-01-19T23:53:00.002+08:00

the two weeks have just passed and will come to a close this friday.. how quickly.. take care lots.. i miss you so much.. so much.. its painful.. ...

again and again..

2009-01-19T20:22:00.002+08:00

and it comes back ever more strongly and hurts so much more each time.. he had told himself he would wait.. but each time he sees her picture, it hurts so much.. to know that she is always there for him yet he had not known how to cherish her.. and each time he sees her photo, he had the urge to call her.. to just hear her once again.. to see her.. even if its just a glimpse.. the pain is unbearable.. it suffocates.. it stings.. a hundred different spots on his heart all at once.. and his eyes grow wet but the tears just would not fall.. just would not give him the solace he was looking for.. to cry everything out and feel better, if only just a little.. and everything still is kept within him.. emerging at every little thing or place.. always threatening to overflow but always did not.. just to the brim.. pain and hurt at the extreme.. and the tears that would bring the little relief always never falling till on occasional nights where he would use the chance and spill them all..

please let it get better.. the pain hurts.. more and more each time..
i wanna be inside your heaven..

tomorrow never comes..

2009-01-18T00:31:00.003+08:00

Tomorrow never comes:

If i knew it was the last time i'd see you fall asleep,
i would tuck you in more tightly, and pray the Lord you soul to keep.

If i knew it would be the last time that i'd see you walk out the door,
i would give you a hug and kiss, and call you back for just one more.

If i knew it would be the last time i'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
i would tape each word and action, and play them back throughout my days.

If i knew it would be the last time, i would spare an extra minute or two,
to stop and say "i love you," instead of assuming you know i do.

So just in case tomorrow never comes, and today is all i get,
i'd like to say how much i love you, and i hope we will never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike,
and today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?

For if tomorrow never comes, you will surely regret the day,
that you didnt take the extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss,
and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear,
that you love them very much, and you will always hold them dear.

Take your time to say "im sorry," "please forgive me," "thank you," or "its okay."

And if tomorrow never comes, you will have no regrets about today..

-taken from "An hour to live, an hour to love", Richard Carlson and Kristine Carlson.

and if i could live those times with you again, i would do so in a heartbeat..

-

2009-01-17T10:32:00.003+08:00

the first week of work has just passed.. though it was simple job, it was a boring job too.. everyday would be packing or filing.. and in just the four days he worked, he has already gotten 7 papercuts from the folders.. how difficult is it to get a papercut? and like how he once posted, he never really felt the cut till he brushed it again on the folders.. and yes, it hurts and it gets more painful each day as he brushed the cuts again and again.. chatted with a friend whom he had not talked to for quite some time on msn a couple of days back.. and thinking back now, she was the quite the first who had told him not to give up.. after all that he had heard from his friends to stop waiting and such.. and its a friend whom he had not chatted with for a long time that told him that.. yes he shall keep waiting and thanks lots.. now his life is all about work and nothing else.. only work to do in the weekdays.. and during the weekends, all that is making his week are the weekly sentosa trips.. its really great to be able to play every week.. like a workout or a routine.. something that he really liked.. and he wonders what life would be like for him when he enters ns.. if these will continue.. or if something else will come in to change his life.. and still, he prays and he hopes.. with all his heart for the longing to be satisfied..

it feels so terrible.. to be wondering how you are, yet can only guess.. to want to know how you feel, yet can only guess.. to not know everything about you when i so wanted to and when im used to knowing so much.. really take care alright? sa rang hae_

the loudest silence..

2009-01-15T22:46:00.003+08:00

"now theres only the kind of silence that comes when someone takes away a clock to be repaired and after a time, one become aware of its absence because its gentle, reassuring ticking is gone and one miss it so.."

read this in a book on his way to work just a couple of days back.. and how surprisingly its true.. exactly like how he had done wrong.. until hes finally lost her, before he realises shes long gone.. and now, the silence in his life is the loudest yet.. how he misses her laughter.. how he misses her voice.. and each day as he sees her photos, he feels the stabs of pain yet again and again.. but there is nothing else he can do.. he has done too much wrong.. he has not done so much.. and now, he cant do anything else but wait.. and wait he shall.. and every night, just before he is taken away, he prays.. whether it will work or not, he does not know.. but what else can he do now? what else does he have now except faith and so many many unseen years ahead? and he prays each night.. that she will be happy, no matter what that means.. and that she will find someone, who will see her always, as he does now..

sa rang hae.. always have.. always will.. it hurts.. more and more.. and he prays at night, for the strength to pass each day till that day comes....

flu.

2009-01-14T00:11:00.002+08:00

all of times to get the flu.. and just when he started working somewhere where dust is aplenty.. took leave for tml.. shall stay at home tml and recuperate.. he hates all of this.. =(

the pain..

2009-01-13T00:12:00.003+08:00

what would it be like if he could turn back time all the way? looking at people, reading blogs, hearing experience from other people themselves, its almost so easy to imagine what life would be like for him if he was still in her life.. and now.. .. its not hard to imagine what he would be like too when those times come..

many a times, little things happen which triggers that little memory in his mind, bring that beautiful smile into his head, and he could almost hear the laughter right at that moment.. but as quickly as it came, the turmoil of emotions that came following immediately shadowed all of that he was thinking.. and though the ghost of it still remains, the pain is there again.. more evident each time.. and he tries so hard to control the tears that threatened to fall anytime.. its hard.. its so hard..

work started today.. brainless job.. theres nothing to learn and everything was quite easy.. and there was a two hour lunch break.. actually supposed to be 12.30 to 1.30.. but from his colleagues, he could leave at 12 and come back at 2.. so two hours.. and right at that moment, he realised how alone he got.. even with his colleagues there, he didnt want want to eat lunch with them.. not that he dont like them.. they were funny and friendly.. but it just didnt seem right to him.. and he realised how very near somerset was.. with two hours, he could take a train down, have lunch there and take a train back all in time for work.. but it was not to be.. and he missed the times when he would hurry down the building to meet her for lunch.. or just wait in the lobby for her to have lunch with her.. and as these thoughts rush through his mind, he had a sudden urge to just go down to somerset and walk around there.. hoping and hoping that by some chance he would see her.. but he knew it was not time yet.. and he pulled himself away from the temptation and spent half the lunch wandering around aimlessly and the other half sleeping in the office.. all the time his thoughts never leaving her..

its painful.. and it just gets more painful as the days goes by.. its been four months plus.. and he could hardly imagine a few more years.. and once again, he is afraid.. he is so afraid.. that time would slowly erase away all his treasured memories.. and so each day, he sits on his bed after dinner and indulge himself in the file that he had prepared long ago and refreshes each little date, each little kiss, each little hug and everything there is, that was there before.. his tears fall as he reads and remembers.. from the happiness that he once had her, and from the agony that he could not have those again.. but he remembers.. and she will always be in his heart.. always..

take lots of care and please sleep early.. dont tire yrself out.. euu know euu fall sick easily too.. and drink more water.. euu know, too, that euu are not drinking enough.. takkaire.. sa rang hae.. always have.. always will..

work..

2009-01-11T21:29:00.000+08:00

work starts tomorrow.. finally.. he hopes and he prays..

wait..

2009-01-10T10:54:00.004+08:00

wait.. thats all that he can do now.. if they really were meant to be, fate would give him a chance again.. but it will be a long long time away still.. and now, all he can do is wait.. and pull himself away from all the temptation.. so as not to make it so much harder for himself.. to make it easier to pass every day till he is given another chance.. but the pain will always be there.. and he had brought all of these on to himself..

doesnt crying makes one feel better after letting it all out? as he lied in bed wetting the pillows with his tears, he doesnt feel any better at all.. his pain increases exponentially as each tear drops.. for they do not lessen any regrets on him.. for they do not undo any wrongs that he had done.. for they could not take away the hurt that he had brought to her.. instead, they just reminded him of everything he had done.. and the hurt that he had brought to her.. and he experienced not just his, for losing her.. but hers too, for the things that he did.. as exhaustion finally took him away near dawn, he lost consciousness not feeling the least bit better.. and once again, before he is taken away, he prays that she will be happy always, no matter what that means.. that she will have someone, who will see her always, as he does now..

也许只有等到傍晚胡思乱想才和你做伴..

its getting harder to breathe....

2009-01-09T22:08:00.002+08:00

it was not meant to be after all.. maybe it was never meant to be ever since the day he let her go.. the temptation.. its still there.. but the realisation that he really would never had a chance had drowned it down and suppressed it.. the silence jolted him to the cold hard truth that he had so wanted to avoid.. he should already have known..

and yet, he still hoped and wished.. he longs and longs so much.. he is just making it all harder for himself.. when it already was hard enough.. now it just seems impossible to get any better.. he misses her so much.. it was never meant to be.. she will never be his.. he wants to scream.. he wants to shout.. vent all his frustration in him.. release everything inside.. for everything that he had done and had missed.. for the anger at himself is so hard to contain.. for the regrets for everything that he had done is so heavy.. for the hurt and pain that stabs and pierces ever so often at his heart..

it all hurts so much so much.. please.. he has understood.. he has learnt.. but he knows too that it is all too late.. so is enduring the pain the retribution for all that he has done? is being drowned in regrets and loneliness all that he deserved? it builds up in him.. every little thing that sparked off an endless stream of memories brings pain and and adds to the load of regrets on his back.. the frustration at himself for letting go and the pain that he had lost, it builds up.. more and more.. slowly but surely.. at every little incident, every familiar place, every familiar smell.. how long more can he take it? please.. please.. its getting too much.. so much that its hard to breathe..

the temptation is always there.. just a call away.. just a click of the mouse.. just a nudge of the button on the phone.. he knows he must not.. still he succumbs.. and he had just thrown himself at the blades waiting there for him.. he should have seen it coming.. should have expected it would turn out that way.. but he longs too much to pull himself away.. and now, the blades have just pierced through him once again.. and from the wounds, tears but not blood flowed.. it was all wishful thinking on his part.. how much more can it take? his heart had been stabbed raw.. pierced again and again.. yet he refuses to put it all down.. and keeps on embracing the non-existent hope.. only to get stabbed and pierced again and again.. and he goes through it all every so often yet he still hangs on.. is he just being stupid? someone lead him away from all these.. slap him to his senses.. but the question is, if someone really came, would he even listen? if he really was slapped, would he ever learn to let it all go? will he ever let it all go? or can he?

harder and harder and harder.. until he lets it all go, stop hanging onto the past, it is not going to get any better, is it?

what to do?

2009-01-09T09:17:00.003+08:00

its all so confusing.. he knows he must not.. but.. the temptation.. its been quite some time.. how long has it been since he had felt so alive once again? please.. show him a sign.. someone.. anyone.. lead him away from it.. or into it? how he longs.. but he does not wish anything he does would hurt her anymore..

please come and show him the way forward..

little cousin..

2009-01-09T00:20:00.012+08:00

another day has just passed with him sleeping most of it away.. it is so hard to pass everyday like this.. he needs to work.. to take everything off his mind.. please let it get better when work starts.. three more days.. and he will start work.. tomorrow will be shopping with his mum for black pants for work.. saturday grandma house to see his little cousin.. and sunday sentosa volleyball again.. the tan is getting good..

hopefully his cousin will be there on saturday.. =)

and his favourite....

it stings and hurts ever so badly..

2009-01-08T00:10:00.002+08:00

it hurts.. so much so much.. the jealousy.. it stings so badly.. pricking at the already raw heart that has been so many times before, stabbed and pierced.. how he wished he was the one.. how he wished to have her once again.. something he know is impossible yet impossible too, at the same time, to push away the thought..

if only.. maybe, just maybe.. if he tried.. no.. no.. he must not.. it would be despicable.. he had no right whatsoever.. these thoughts should not even be there in the first place.. why do they keep coming up? it just makes it ever harder for him.. it just gets harder and harder.. the future which he keeps dreaming.. the future which he keeps envisioning, that keep his mind occupied whenever he thinks of her.. will it ever come?

when will it all get better? he misses her so much.. it just gets more painful.. it just seems harder as each day passes as he longs and craves for those that he will never reach.. please.. it just hurts so damn much...

i miss you so much.. it just seems to get harder.. when will it ever get better? or will it even get better at all, without euu? just let me drown in all these and take it all away.. and i embrace the true love that we once shared, for the strength to get through each day without euu by my side..

the special day..

2009-01-07T00:00:00.004+08:00

happy special day..

its the special day of the month once again.. the 50th special day.. the first this year.. it has been a really long time.. since he first knew her.. since they were together.. and quite some time too, since he lost her.. everything is slowly falling in place.. the realisation that he had really really lost her.. that he only had their memories.. that he only had the regrets.. that he would never have her again.. everything is coming together.. that he only had himself left.. no more her to call.. no more her to hold.. no more her to share his laughter and everything else in his life.. and now, only she is missing from his life.. he has learnt.. he has understood.. but everything is too late..

havent he already lost her? why does he still dream of losing her all over again? how can he lose her again when he never had her? it has been so long since he last saw her.. he misses her ever so much.. and many a times when he was online and she wasnt, he wonders what she might be doing at that very moment.. talking on the phone perhaps? watching tv? and he misses the times when he would call her everyday.. and the times when he would send her a goodnight message right after they hung up and call again.. he misses her laughter, her voice, her scent.. and every little thing about her.. everything he misses, he could only re-live from his memories and the photos on his wall.. how he longs to just see her again.. how he craves to just hold her for a moment more.. how he wishes to just talk to her for a while longer.. but he knows that it is all not possible..

the letters, the cards, the presents.. when would he ever have a chance to give it all to her? would she be able to take it if he had the chance? would she still even want it in the first place? is it all pointless in still writing, making, and buying? and as all those pile up in his cupboard with the rest of the stuff from her and reminding him of her, they just seem to point out the blatant fact that he had truly lost her and would never have her again.. each time he reads the mails and letters, the pain just stabs harder together with the longing in him and the loss of her.. it hurts.. it really does..

im so sorry.. i miss you so much.. please.. it just seems harder as each day passes.. i would give up anything just for a moment more with euu.. just a moment.. i love you..

and i embrace euu in my arms, hoping euu would never leave and i would never have to stop holding euu..

爱一点..

2009-01-05T01:03:00.001+08:00

我想说我会爱你多一点点, 一直就在你的耳边.

相信你也爱我有一点点, 只是你一直没发现.

我想说我会爱你多一点点, 一直就在你的耳边.

相信我会爱你永远不变, 知道你一定会发现.

:'(

2009-01-04T13:16:00.001+08:00

i miss you so much.. so much.. please..

people dont get over 'it' because 'it' is often someone they loved..

2009-01-01T23:53:00.002+08:00

the first day of 2009 is just like any other day.. he spent the whole day at home.. the morning was spent with his parents teaching him mahjong.. after that, he retreated to his room.. packing up some stuff and looking through those that he kept closest to him.. every little item he kept locked in his cupboard drawer tells of a story each.. and as his eyes scanned through all the items, some obscured by others, each item told its story in his mind.. and from the onslaught of the memories, he reflected once again on all that had happened in his two years of junior college life..

because of insensitivity, of immature thinking, of reckless decision- makings, he had lost one closest to him.. that whom he had let go, now only to live with regrets and nothing else of her but faint memories, slowly fading away.. he is afraid.. of these memories which are leaking away.. yes.. of those most important dates and occasions, they are crystal clear.. of those treasured short moments, they are still there.. but of others? other beautiful times too.. equally treasured and cherished.. they are fading.. slowly but surely.. he wants to keep them all.. but how? how else can he keep them all embedded deeply in his mind? to make them so deeply etched that he would never ever forget any moment with her..

"people dont get over 'it' because 'it' is often someone they loved.."
'move on..' 'its better if you dont hang on to the past..' 'its time to move on..' 'theres no more chance.. move on..' all the same advice from different people.. thanks to the many different people who had taken time to tag and ask.. but its always easier said than done, isnt it? no.. its not that.. he has never even thought of giving up before.. not even when she has had a new life.. he is happy for her.. that she has found another source of happiness.. but moving on and giving up has never crossed his mind before.. he cant.. and he will not.. 'its useless waiting..' 'theres no point..' 'yr wasting yr time..' yes.. so what if thats the case? it will never ever be the same with anyone else.. it has to be her.. just her..

his relatives ask: 'so do you have a girlfriend now?' his friends ask: 'got another girlfriend?' and each time, he answered 'no' looking into their eyes.. he had decided.. and made a promise.. he will not find another.. he will only have one girlfriend in his life.. people would think thats just talk.. and that theres still many years ahead of him.. and eventually, he will forget her and find someone else.. so lets let time show.. that he will remain true.. and keep to his promise.. not just to show that he can keep his promise.. but to show that she really is the one and no one else can replace her.. to at least make up for what he had done, though it does not really help at all.. but to let her know that he is very sorry for all that he had brought to her.. he had not meant to make her so hurt.. make her shed so much tears.. and he hopes, he wishes.. he prays every night, that she will find her true happiness and be happy always, no matter what that means.. that she will find someone, who will see her always, as he does now..

please take care.. smile always.. and keep all the tears and pain away.. takkaire, girl.. i love you.. <3

the last moments of 2008..

2009-01-01T09:40:00.006+08:00

2008 is over.. and here comes a brand new year 2009..

it has been quite a year.. what with the most important 'A's and everything else.. so much has happened.. mostly what he had put himself through.. and as he embraces 2009, he comes with full of regrets from the previous year that he could never put down.. with full of the pain that would never stop stabbing.. but with too, full of the understanding that he gained.. of what life offers, he had experienced one of lowest times in his life..

he had not had any countdowns with her before.. he had missed it in 2007.. and again, in 2008, he made the very same mistake and missed the chance to celebrate the countdown with her.. however, the last moments of 2008 had not entirely been lost.. at least he have had spent the last moments of 2008 where he wanted.. right at somewhere near her.. whether she was at home at that moment was another matter.. but at least he had been able to be see her room at exactly where he did last year while in the process of completing the book.. and as he walked home after that, he remembered the few times that he had walked home from her home after the few late nights date that they had.. the road was silent, except for the few cars that came whizzing by every few moments or so.. all was quiet except for his footsteps and his breathing.. as his tears fell at the thought of the beautiful memories that could never be re-lived, he smiled slightly too, at those very same memories.. 'dont cry because its lost.. smile, for its happened before..' yes.. every one of them had been so precious and treasured times.. and he was grateful that he was all alone out there.. that there was no one to see him tearing and smiling at the same time.. perhaps it was experiencing these two extreme emotions at the same time, that makes it so much more painful and hard to control his tears.. but he did not try to control them yesterday.. and letting them all out had been much better even though it was just so little better.. at least he had not kept them all inside him even if he did not confide in another friend..

take care in 2009.. its a brand new year.. a brand new life for euu.. let go of all the painful pasts i have brought to euu if euu can.. even if it means forgetting the beautiful times too.. for i would never ever want to see euu drop another tear.. and i would rather be the one with the tears falling at night and euu, with yr beautiful smile on yr face always.. remember to start sleeping early.. start drinking more water.. takkaire, alright? sa rang hae.. i miss you so much.. stay happy always..

now i cant help but feel a brand new pain.. do you really want to stand there and tell me goodbye, when im saying i still love you?

原来为爱流的眼泪也是种甜蜜滋味..

2008-12-29T12:27:00.002+08:00

原来为爱流的眼泪也是种甜蜜滋味..

只想爱你, 当我和你走在一起就已经决定..
不看不听不问也不会放弃..
是你让我了解自己可以为爱那么坚定..

只想爱你, 好想每天睁开眼睛就能看到你..
我知道我偶尔有一点任性..
不管你做任何决定究竟爱我还是逃避..

sorry我还是不会放弃爱你..
sorry我还是不会放弃..
我还是不会放弃爱你..

just let me walk away..

2008-12-28T22:31:00.004+08:00

more and more of it is slowly crashing down on him.. when he thought the worst he could ever feel was over.. and as he feels it each time with stabbing pains, he realises how very wrong he was.. he realises how very much he had lost.. as he reads, he realises he had not lost just her.. he had lost the many dates, the many more memories they could have.. the many more places they could have been together, the many more things they could have seen together and the many more holidays they could spend together.. it was all lost.. but as long as she is happy, whatever that means, he is contented too.. yes.. he still misses her.. very much.. and with every passing day, the longing mounts ever higher.. the ache in missing her deepens.. and with each passing day, the next becomes harder to pass.. but he will still wait.. he will.. sa rang hae..

till his shadow fades away.. and i die inside.. just let me walk away..

paper cut..

2008-12-27T21:09:00.008+08:00

when will it all get any better? he feels so suffocated.. like everything is kept within him, bursting to come out in any way they could.. yet he could find no way to release them.. he is not able to let them out.. he really needs her.. he need her to be there to listen to what he have got to say.. everything that he have got to say, have yet to say.. there is so much.. no one else would be able to take the place and it will always remain in him.. please take it all away.. everything.. it is getting so much, too much......

its not the like the feeling when you touch a flame..
no, its not like when someone calls you a bad name..
its not like the hurt when you slip and fall down..
no, its not like any of this.. what i've found is..

the love hurts like a paper cut..
never even feel the slice yet its so deep..
it seems so hard as, but only at first..
cause like a paper cut, the pain grows worse..

its not so much the words that you dont say..
its when you act in the distant cold way..
its more in your eyes how you look at me,
like you no longer care for what i see..

the love hurts like a paper cut..

never even feel the slice yet its so deep..

it seems so hard as, but only at first..

cause like a paper cut, the pain grows worse..

真的够了.. 能不能让雨别再下了?

我原谅不了我, 就请你当作我已不在..

2008-12-25T23:58:00.000+08:00

这世界有些人是无可取代..就如她..

已经过了那么久, 这痛依然还一直存在着.. 哭过却无法掩埋歉疚.. 对她伤了那么重, 让她流了那么多泪, 怎么会怎么会, 她竟原谅了我.. 我想要学会自我催眠, 痛觉会少一些, 潜意识作祟想着想到失眠.. 我躺在没有她的房间, 寂寞更加明显, 我渐渐的自我催眠, 却回不到从前..

做错了那么多, 放弃了那么多的我, 还会有机会吗? 人群里面那个我把幸福遗落.. 失去的这幸福, 我还能挽回吗? 也许那幸福的执着在下一个路口.. 就算是多么渺小, 多么苍茫的机会, 我都会等待.. 等待能够再一次拥有她的那一天.. 不管要等多久, 我都希望能拥有她剩下的每一刻..

我原谅不了我, 就请你当作我已不在..

i wish..

2008-12-25T10:15:00.002+08:00

i wish you were to celebrate together.. i wish we could spend the holidays together.. my wish for christmas is for you to be truly happy.. always.. no matter what that means..

merry christmas..

2008-12-25T00:00:00.005+08:00

its finally the last festive season of the year.. christmas.. and like any other christmas except two, he would be spending it without her.. it had been a long two years of junior college.. he had ruined her life and consequently, his own.. and from these two long years, he had learnt more than anything else in his other 16 years.. he had experienced most of what people say life is about.. the ups and downs of love.. the ups because she was there, in his life.. for the most precious 3 plus years.. and the downs because he was an ass.. to have ruined everything that they have worked hard for.. and now, what he had left with him are just regrets and memories.. and half but a heart.. through the many regrets that had carved at it, learned and understood.. yet just half.. for the other half would always be with her.. and until the day comes again for the love to be rejuvenated and the fairytale to be revived, it would never be whole again.. always missing that precious part.. never whole.. merry christmas.. enjoy your holidays alright? keep that smile on your face and stay happy no matter what..

takkaire lotsa.. sa rang hae.. till the day comes, my heart will never be whole.. for the other half shall always remain with euu.. take lots of care and remain happy alright? i'll be here if euu ever need help, or just me.. i'll be here.. i love you.. <3> all i want for christmas is EUU!

last night..

2008-12-22T23:26:00.002+08:00

last night found him turning his face into wet pillows again.. it was yet another one of those nights.. it just gets harder.. he has been dreaming.. longing.. craving.. too much.. for too long.. it just wont go away.. or rather, he just refuses to let it go, give it up.. he could not.. he would not.. would never..it just makes him want more.. though he knows he should be contented.. but at the same time, the longing hits him ever more strongly.. making him crave for more when he knows he shouldnt.. when he knows he must not.. why does he have those thoughts? when he knows he would never do it.. when he knows it would never come.. it just cant be helped.. and the more he tries to push it away, the more vividly it comes back.. thinking bout how he go about it, thinking about how he would face them again, thinking about how she would feel.. its all meaningless.. all pointless.. its just so hard to accept the fact that she is gone forever.. that he had given her up, let her go, never to have her again.. his absence from her future is the curse of his insensitive heart, immature thinking, reckless decision-makings..

last night found him feeling the exceptionally cold air on his wet face as he lied on his bed, staring at the wall beside his bed.. the wall filled up with beautiful memories.. as he tried to make out the photos in the semi-darkness, his thoughts flew back to the days when he still had her.. when he was still able to hold her in his arms.. when he sat on her couch with her and her family late into the night watching tv.. when he fell asleep outside her door waiting for her in the morning to go college together.. when he bought flowers and surprised her halfway through her dinner to apologise for something he did wrong.. when he saw the angry look on her face turned to a bemused expression at the sight of the flowers and then to one with a hint of a smile when she had forgiven him.. so many so many memories swirling in his mind, refreshing vividly for a short instant each as he ran them through.. as his eyes blurred up with wetness once again, the photos blurred up too and seem even much less visible in the semi-darkness.. and it seems as if she was further and further out of his grasp.. hurriedly, he wiped his eyes dry with the back of his hand and took a closer look at the photos.. they were still there.. in the same shape as he had positioned them.. the truth then hit him once again... harder each time as they hit.. the photos were just mere memories.. no.. not mere memories.. treasured and cherished memories.. for they were all he had left of her.. but still, just memories.. she was out of his grasp.. he would never hold her again.. never appear before her door with flowers.. never be by her side when she needed someone.. she had someone else now.. someone else to do what he had failed to do.. and perhaps do it better than he had ever done before.. the photos remained on his wall.. she remained in the photos.. she remained in his heart.. and the most he could do now was to touch her through the photos.. trying to remember how soft and warm her face felt through the cold feel of the photos..

last night found him holding the scarf she had given him tightly to sleep.. the scarf to keep him warm when he went on his training trip to shanghai 4 years back.. the scarf which could only provide little warmth in the cold world he lived alone.. though little but yes, still the little warmth in him as he remembers the times.. and his thoughts flew to the times in beijing.. to put it in a way, their first little 'honeymoon'.. the moments on the plane to and back.. the moments in the hostel.. the moments on the Great Wall of China without a worry in the world.. and there he was, wishing time would stop right there and then.. so many beautiful memories of being overseas with her.. how he wished he just had one more chance at that.. just him and her.. just like the times in beijing.. that is precisely the reason why he had chosen not to go overseas at all if he could help it.. he longed for another trip with her.. if it had not been with her, would he still be able to enjoy the trip if he thought of the times with her on the journey?

last night found him holding the half ring and the black ring tightly in his hand as his tears fell.. both little pieces of metal.. light in weight yet heavy with memories.. the half ring he would always wear on a necklace around his neck.. as a sign that he would keep the last 2 promises to her.. that he would always remember what he had promised and never fault on them.. and the black one, just on the very special day of each month.. for it was meaningless to wear it on any other day when it was supposed to be worn together..

christmas is coming.. it is almost prepared.. like three others before it.. but it would not reach her.. he cannot do it.. or rather, he should not do it.. he would not spoil her new-found life for her when she has just settled in.. but he would continue doing and keeping them.. and hope.. hoping that one day, someday, he would be able to give them all to her.. and while waiting for that day to come, he would always still, love her with all his heart.. her and just her alone.. never-faltering.. just like how she did before..

take lotsa care.. sleep early if you've still been sleeping late like always.. drink more water if you've still been drinking so very little like always.. takkaire.. i love you.. always have.. always will.. <3

我都想要拥有..

2008-12-22T15:03:00.002+08:00

不管跟过谁, 不管做过什么, 不管说过什么, 我都想拥有你剩下的所有时间..
每一分, 每一秒, 我都想要拥有..

as long as she is happy_

2008-12-21T22:45:00.003+08:00

这一些一点一滴的泪水,都代表着我每天对你的思念,对你的歉疚..
说不出的心碎,我会永远藏在心里,不停地盼望能回到美好的从前..
这痛的感觉,是代表曾经爱得太深… 不是吗?

he just wants her to be happy.. no matter what that means.. no matter who she'll be with.. as long as its someone who will look after her, take care of her, bring a smile to her beautiful face.. someone who will see her always as he does now..

i love you.. always have.. always will..

2008-12-21T12:35:00.003+08:00

she looked stunning in her family photo shoot from what he had seen from her friendster.. it was just as if she was at her own wedding.. much much more beautiful than he had ever imagined..

has he reali changed that much? had he reali had any good qualities before? what he had done to her seemed to him that nothing else bout him was ever good before.. yes, he will.. keep in mind everything.. be himself.. be happy, hopefully.. will it be easier if like everyone says, to move on and stop hanging on to the past? since there is no more hope, just move on.. just like that? its always easier said than done.. he had given such advice to his friends before.. and he could see them trying in their respective lives, to move on.. to hang out more with their friends, to go out more often.. what if he just doesn't want to move on? what if he just wants to hang on? to the period of true love that he had ever had.. even if there is no more chance.. even if there is no more hope.. it is all too late, he knows.. but continuing waiting.. would it give him a chance to at least show he had reali regretted his mistake? that he had never meant to hurt her at all? if, and only if, her present relationship fails, would she give him another chance again? of course he would not wish for that.. he had put her through enough once.. it would be too much for her a second time.. but would he ever have another chance? only time would tell.. and that is why he had chosen to wait.. 最喜欢的永远只有原来那一个重心再来的永远不会一样..

he had reali hurt her so deeply.. after so much, after everything, it is still there, no matter how diminutive, still there, just a little maybe, but there.. he is truly grateful for just that little portion that he still occupy.. it is enough for him.. too much, in fact.. he does not deserve any of this.. thanks for everything.. truly.. i love you.. always have.. always will..

his one last chance of rejuvenating the love once again.. on the promised date..

xinmin elites cup 2008

2008-12-20T17:04:00.004+08:00

had the xinmin elites cup 2008 today.. it was great to see all his team-mates once again and play together as one whole team.. also, many of the seniors returned.. and there, he saw the spendid display of their skills.. 5 teams.. round robin playing.. 10 sets of matches later, he was super shagged.. his team got second.. which was quite an achievement for not training regularly.. 200 bucks for second prize.. which was 25 bucks each for the 8 people.. this would greatly help to alleviate his financial problems.. need a job urgently!

i miss you so much.. take care lots.. sa rang hae.. <3